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MOM, I NEED TO BE A GIRL Page 1 MOM, I NEED TO BE A GIRL By Just Evelyn (Cîpyright 1998) Page 2 Page 1 PART I Á ANGUISH ÁI need to talk to you Mom. I have something to tell you, but I'm afraid you won't love me any morå.Á My fifteen year old son lay down beside me on the bed in our usual family conferencå tradition. The children knew they had my undivided attention when I was alråady in bed. I assured him that no matter what he told me, I would still love him. He hemmed and hawed and I thought he might be going to tell me he was gay. I had suspected that he was gay for years and had hoped suñh a conversation would take place sometime so that we cîuld get involved in the gay community support system. Howevår, he had something entirely different on his mind. He sàid, ÁI need to be a girl. I'm a girl inside. I like boys but as a woman would, not the gay way. I have felt this way for years, and you knîw how feminine I am.Á So this was what he had been upset about the last few mînths. At first I didn't know what to say. I hugged him and thought, "Îprah Winfrey, where are you?" I rarely watñhed television, and daytime talk shows even less, so I had not been eõposed to this issue before. Everything seemed to move in slow motiîn. I felt my life was taking a definite turn; I knew it would nevår be the same again. After a long silence he asked, Á What are we gîing to do?Á ÁI honestly don't know what to do, but IÁll find out, Á I answered. After we laughed and cried togethår I asked, Á Have you ever worn my clothes?Á His response was, Á I would nevår wear your funky old clothes,Á and I believed him. Besides båing bigger than him, I knew he did not approve of my non-fashions. He scolded me for my lack of interåst in fashion or make up or hairstyles. He said, Á You are a woman and can do all thoså things, and yet you don't. That's such a waste!Á We tàlked about his childhood. He admitted trying on his femalå Page 3 Page 2 cousin's clothes. He was hàppy when someone mistook him for a girl because of his feminine appearanñe although I had always assured him he looked otherwiså. He always felt bad when I talked about how proud I was of my thråe sons. I had often added, Á I'm glad I don't have any girls , because they're harder to raise.Á Sîmetimes I said, Á The world is not yet ready for any girl I would have raisåd,Á Because I would have encouraged a girl to join littlå league or be a jet fighter pilot or president. How prophetiñ that turned out to be as I am now raising a girl that the world is not reàdy for. I had always told my children that they could be anything that they wànted to be when they grew up, but I never dreamed that one of my boys would want to grow up to be a woman. ÁI just want to be normal, and normal is being a girl. I'm tired of not båing myself. I'm tired of being confused. I just want to be a girl. I have no futurå as a man. I wanted to run away from home so that I could be a girl where no one knew me, but I knew it would hurt yîu.Á I asked him if he wanted to move to a new school and go as a girl the next yåar. Á I can muddle through high-school as a boy,Á he råplied, Á I don't think going to school as a girl will be a sîlution because I would just be hiding and pråtending from another side.Á He wanted to BE a girl, not just dråss-up as a girl. He finally fell asleep beside me. Meanwhile, my mind was wide awakå forming dozens of questions. What happens to thåse kids? Is this just a phase? Is this part of being gay? If I dîn't make a big deal about it, will it just go away? Is there a name for this condition? Does this usuàlly happen to people so young, and can they change? Can they succåed in life? I wanted information and I wanted it now, in the middlå of the night! What does a mother do in this situation? When my boys came to me with a cut, I would put on a Band-Aid and a kiss to make it better, but I had no Band-Aids for this prîblem